I was almost bitten at the dog park

Today was my first time at a dog park, a fenced in area where I can run around as fast as I want with other dogs. Not 3 minutes after we got there a big dog growled and chased me and tried to bite me several times. It made Dad really angry because he screamed at the lady who owned the dog "Put your damned dog on a leash!!" but I think she was too much of a hipster to care because she replied ever so nonchalantly "He's not vicious", to which Dad said "Yes but I am!!" Then she took her dog and left. After I got over that little episode it was really fun playing with the other dogs and sniffing butts and stuff, and all the other dogs and their owners were really nice and friendly. Hopefully next time we go back the nasty dog and his über-cool owner wont be there.

Phil

working's for the birds

Today I got to drive all around town while Dad did some work. I really have no idea what he was doing as most of the day I slept, besides, driving seems like a crashing bore to me. I realize that in some places in the world having an unrestrained animal in the car is probably against the law, but here in California, home to the greatest law makers known to all of mankind and the crack smoking community alike, it clearly states that this practice is OK and not unsafe in any manner. I know, because I looked it up on the internet, where I also found some other driving laws that may help to put in perspective the importance of road safety.

- If you are a woman, it is illegal to drive in a housecoat.

- A vehicle without a driver may not exceed 60 miles per hour.

- In Glendale, it's illegal to jump from a car at 65 mph.

- It's illegal to shoot any animals from a moving vehicle in California.

- But if you end up in court in Los Angeles for one violation or another, please try to maintain your composure because it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

Phil

Out, damned testicles, out!!

Then I saw the silvery blade of his dagger withdrawn from it's scabbard, and with the foulest of thrusts, plunged into my junk. His fat-kidneyed fustilarian wench laughed with the loathsomest of noises from her hellish bowels and alas my balls lay, not from whence they came but upon his board. And when I beheld the sight before my eye I cursed them two "Thou beslubbering dizzy-eyed bitch-wolf heathens!!!" and they turned their paunchy open-arsed vassal selves toward my own way with not a pang of remorse nor regret, but merely the grin of scoundrels.

Bastards!!

Phil.

OH NO!!!!

balls, nuts, plums, rocks, bollocks, nads, gonads, nuggets, cracker Jacks, stones, kerbangers, marbles, tenders, cullions, bells, pelotas, nutsack, bollocks, family jewels, gems, cojones, junk, package, man jigglies, man tonsils, knackers, cods, love spuds, hanging brain, tokkers.

Yes, a list of terms for my testes, which will be removed, without my consent, at the veterinarians tomorrow. It's a sad sad day.

Phil.

oh scruffy

Today I made a new friend. Scruffy. Someone came over today and she bought Scruffy with her. He's about 4, or so, a bit smaller than me, but he was fun. We played in the backyard for a few hours and then I fell asleep. Playing takes a lot out of me, but I'm slowly getting stronger. I've also discovered barking is good for a laugh, at least for me, my parents don't like it too much however and are trying to teach me the 'quiet' command. Anyway, I know I've been a little behind in my posts, and my apologies go out to you all, so I snuck off to write this quick post in the middle of the zombie movie on television. It's the one where the army have a super virus that there is no known antidote for, and in an attempt to protect all of humanity, they keep it in a top secret underground laboratory in a thin glass canister. The knuckleheads that work there forget to put it away one night and it rolls off a bench and shatters all over the floor spewing green smoke everywhere, and infects the old guy that cleans the halls at night, who on his way home sneezes on the waitress at the local diner, who then goes and eats her boyfriends brain when she finishes her shift. Really one of the all time classics if you ask my Dad, right up there with 'The Birds' and 'The Shining'. I promise to tell you what happened in my next post.

Phil.

ding ding!

Someone emailed me a picture of a cable car near where I live. It's long gone now, along with most of the stores you can see in the picture. On my morning walk, we sit nearby here and drink coffee and eat blueberry muffins, which, if I'm lucky enough, will get a little piece of. They sure do taste great. Anyway, apart from the stupidly loud Harler-Davidson choppers that race by, and the busted up pickup trucks running on only 5 cylinders pumping out noxious fumes and crazy music, and the signs that have been painted over 79 times, and the permanent layer of smog in the mountains, and the sound of the police helicopter overhead, and the weird odor eminating from the guy that sells the chickens up the road, and the police/fire/ambulance sirens in the distance, and the Mexican lady hosing the barf off the pavement from last night at the bar next door, I imagine it feels much the same as it did when this picture was taken 56 years ago.

Phil

p.s. If you are the copyright owner if this image, thanks for scanning it and making it available for my blog.

stuff I ate, and a haircut Kanye West would be proud of!

As promised, here are some photos of the things I ate last week. The cash tasted good, but the hat was delicious. Red is my favorite new flavor, next to dirt that is, which I'm sure you can see by the photo. Speaking of which, you'll notice my great new hairstyle. So great is it in fact, that when Mommy came by to pick me up from the groomers, she didn't even recognize me until I peed all over her and the floor of the butcher salon. All I needed was a few dreadlocks cut out, and my apparently too scruffy for the white couch beard trimmed up, but when Edward Scissor-hands arrived on the scene all hope was lost. My guess is that when my Dad said to the people, "trim here" and pointed to the underside of his jaw, he inadvertently stumbled across the unwritten dog groomers secret code for "Cut without looking!". Everyone's been really nice about the fact that they destroyed my trademark shaggy eyebrows and that it'll grow back eventually, but I just don't feel like myself anymore.

Philip