after a bath

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I was almost bitten at the dog park

Today was my first time at a dog park, a fenced in area where I can run around as fast as I want with other dogs. Not 3 minutes after we got there a big dog growled and chased me and tried to bite me several times. It made Dad really angry because he screamed at the lady who owned the dog "Put your damned dog on a leash!!" but I think she was too much of a hipster to care because she replied ever so nonchalantly "He's not vicious", to which Dad said "Yes but I am!!" Then she took her dog and left. After I got over that little episode it was really fun playing with the other dogs and sniffing butts and stuff, and all the other dogs and their owners were really nice and friendly. Hopefully next time we go back the nasty dog and his ├╝ber-cool owner wont be there.


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

working's for the birds

Today I got to drive all around town while Dad did some work. I really have no idea what he was doing as most of the day I slept, besides, driving seems like a crashing bore to me. I realize that in some places in the world having an unrestrained animal in the car is probably against the law, but here in California, home to the greatest law makers known to all of mankind and the crack smoking community alike, it clearly states that this practice is OK and not unsafe in any manner. I know, because I looked it up on the internet, where I also found some other driving laws that may help to put in perspective the importance of road safety.

- If you are a woman, it is illegal to drive in a housecoat.

- A vehicle without a driver may not exceed 60 miles per hour.

- In Glendale, it's illegal to jump from a car at 65 mph.

- It's illegal to shoot any animals from a moving vehicle in California.

- But if you end up in court in Los Angeles for one violation or another, please try to maintain your composure because it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

Out, damned testicles, out!!

Then I saw the silvery blade of his dagger withdrawn from it's scabbard, and with the foulest of thrusts, plunged into my junk. His fat-kidneyed fustilarian wench laughed with the loathsomest of noises from her hellish bowels and alas my balls lay, not from whence they came but upon his board. And when I beheld the sight before my eye I cursed them two "Thou beslubbering dizzy-eyed bitch-wolf heathens!!!" and they turned their paunchy open-arsed vassal selves toward my own way with not a pang of remorse nor regret, but merely the grin of scoundrels.



Wednesday, June 23, 2010

OH NO!!!!

balls, nuts, plums, rocks, bollocks, nads, gonads, nuggets, cracker Jacks, stones, kerbangers, marbles, tenders, cullions, bells, pelotas, nutsack, bollocks, family jewels, gems, cojones, junk, package, man jigglies, man tonsils, knackers, cods, love spuds, hanging brain, tokkers.

Yes, a list of terms for my testes, which will be removed, without my consent, at the veterinarians tomorrow. It's a sad sad day.


Saturday, June 19, 2010

oh scruffy

Today I made a new friend. Scruffy. Someone came over today and she bought Scruffy with her. He's about 4, or so, a bit smaller than me, but he was fun. We played in the backyard for a few hours and then I fell asleep. Playing takes a lot out of me, but I'm slowly getting stronger. I've also discovered barking is good for a laugh, at least for me, my parents don't like it too much however and are trying to teach me the 'quiet' command. Anyway, I know I've been a little behind in my posts, and my apologies go out to you all, so I snuck off to write this quick post in the middle of the zombie movie on television. It's the one where the army have a super virus that there is no known antidote for, and in an attempt to protect all of humanity, they keep it in a top secret underground laboratory in a thin glass canister. The knuckleheads that work there forget to put it away one night and it rolls off a bench and shatters all over the floor spewing green smoke everywhere, and infects the old guy that cleans the halls at night, who on his way home sneezes on the waitress at the local diner, who then goes and eats her boyfriends brain when she finishes her shift. Really one of the all time classics if you ask my Dad, right up there with 'The Birds' and 'The Shining'. I promise to tell you what happened in my next post.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

ding ding!

Someone emailed me a picture of a cable car near where I live. It's long gone now, along with most of the stores you can see in the picture. On my morning walk, we sit nearby here and drink coffee and eat blueberry muffins, which, if I'm lucky enough, will get a little piece of. They sure do taste great. Anyway, apart from the stupidly loud Harler-Davidson choppers that race by, and the busted up pickup trucks running on only 5 cylinders pumping out noxious fumes and crazy music, and the signs that have been painted over 79 times, and the permanent layer of smog in the mountains, and the sound of the police helicopter overhead, and the weird odor eminating from the guy that sells the chickens up the road, and the police/fire/ambulance sirens in the distance, and the Mexican lady hosing the barf off the pavement from last night at the bar next door, I imagine it feels much the same as it did when this picture was taken 56 years ago.


p.s. If you are the copyright owner if this image, thanks for scanning it and making it available for my blog.

Monday, May 17, 2010

stuff I ate, and a haircut Kanye West would be proud of!

As promised, here are some photos of the things I ate last week. The cash tasted good, but the hat was delicious. Red is my favorite new flavor, next to dirt that is, which I'm sure you can see by the photo. Speaking of which, you'll notice my great new hairstyle. So great is it in fact, that when Mommy came by to pick me up from the groomers, she didn't even recognize me until I peed all over her and the floor of the butcher salon. All I needed was a few dreadlocks cut out, and my apparently too scruffy for the white couch beard trimmed up, but when Edward Scissor-hands arrived on the scene all hope was lost. My guess is that when my Dad said to the people, "trim here" and pointed to the underside of his jaw, he inadvertently stumbled across the unwritten dog groomers secret code for "Cut without looking!". Everyone's been really nice about the fact that they destroyed my trademark shaggy eyebrows and that it'll grow back eventually, but I just don't feel like myself anymore.


Sunday, May 16, 2010

I'm Back!!!!

yes it's true folks, I'm back, well at least the computer is back. Dad took it with him to Mexico so I haven't been able to tell you what I've been up to. Lets just say however, that I got up to all sorts of shenanigans when the two jet-setters were gone. I escaped, I found that money tastes great, I chewed up a hat, I found a hammock to hang out on, and I can now say that I love oranges. I promise to put some photos up tomorrow because the camera is charging at the moment, another device critical to my blog that he had with him. Oh, and the stray cats in the neighbourhood are having kittens. I'll try to get some photos of them but they are ridiculously fast!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Tree-1, Car-0

It was really windy today, and cold, even though the sun was out. On my walk this afternoon I saw this. I think it is a paper-bark eucalyptus tree, on a mid 90's purple and red douche-mobile. Actually you can just see that it also sports some fancy green and orange stripes down the side under the tinted fiber-glass camper thing. When we got there, my Dad asked the man who was standing there if everyone was OK, but he just gave him a funny look as if to say "What are you looking at?", and so it is for these reason's I have concluded it is a douche-mobile. I wonder why you would take a perfectly good mid sized pickup truck, and then alter it in a way that says 'Hey everyone, I'm a total loser!!', not to mention the fact that danger is most likely always lurking around the corner when your choices impact negatively on the rest of society. I realize that everyone parks under trees from time to time without any thought, but I'm guessing the owner of this rootin' tootin' boot scootin' mc shootin' wagon has had his fair share of messages from the universe. So it is with this vision in mind that I have decided to change my ways, and only put my best paw forward, to never bark at a stranger for no good reason, to always purposely lose the tug-of-war game, to give all humans the benefit of the doubt, and lots of other good stuff that I can't think of right now. Anyway, I just really wanted to get that off my chest.


Tuesday, April 27, 2010


I learnt how to shake hands last night. It was a pretty easy trick to master, and the treats didn't taste bad either. I actually new how to do it by the second try, but I pretended not to know to get more faux meat sticks. I always wondered what the deal was with shaking someones paw, although I'm sure there's some scientific historical explanation for it. Normally, we sniff butts to meet each other, which makes sense to me, but I just can't understand the paw shaking business. Then there's the high five thing, or the fist bump, or when you see two guys greet each other with a half-arsed hug and kind of lean in to each others shoulder. I wonder what you would think if you came from say, Mars, and saw people doing all these strange greeting manouvers to each other. Would a martian think it's weird? or would he just wink his three eyes and extend his green hand?


Thursday, April 22, 2010

california dreaming

I'm dreaming of California. Dry, warm, sunny, breezy, fun, but it rained most of today, so I guess I'm dreaming of the California from the postcards. They say it never rains in California, but they don't know what they are talking about. I spent most of today inside because of the rain, except for when my new dad took me for a ride in his car. It's an old Cadillac, big and white and nothing but cool. I think everyone should take a ride at least once in their life in a Caddy, if only for the land yacht feeling and the bowling alley hood length. I felt like the king of the road, except everyone else was passing us on the hills.

Anyway, I wish I had more to say but the rain and gloom is just so depressing, so I'm posting a picture of me waking my lazy dad up at 9:00 this morning, and no, it's not how it looks, he had a pillow on his head and I had just finished kicking it off.


Monday, April 19, 2010

bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

Today, awesome, some guy came up the street yelling all sorts of abuse at everyone, really nasty stuff, stuff I can't repeat here. It turns out he's the husband of the the girl who's housesitting the place across the road. Charming family really, and even a small girl was involved, don't you just love meth addicts? He was trying to fight one of the other neighbors, who we'll refer to as Reginald Farnsworth winterbottom the third, until Ol' Reg stood up and he realized that Reg towered over him, so he started to talk to him about land rights and the homeless. I'm sure that was a riveting conversation. Then the police showed up and cuffed him and took him away in the black and white. Just in time too I might add, had he have come up to me it would have turned real ugly, real fast! Hey, I lived on the street too you know, and I can look after myself if I have to, just check out my guns! I guess the lady called the police first because one of the other neighbors did also, but he got a message saying that 911 was too busy at the moment to take the call. 911 too busy? I wonder who you'd call then? I've heard those messages that say "If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911" but what happens at 911? "If this is an emergency, hang up and pray?"

Anyway, this stuff rarely happens on my street they tell me, and I can only assume they're telling the truth, I guess it's all part of living in L.A.

Friday, April 16, 2010

i'm really just a baby

I went to the veterinarian yesterday. The veterinarian. veterinarian. I like to say veterinarian. 'Vet' seems so common, and veterinarian has a certain ring to it. If I was a veterinarian I would walk around in an oversized burgundy smoking jacket and a corn cob pipe stating who I was. "Greetings common folk, I am a veterinarian", "Who me? ha ha ha, not really kind sir, I'm actually a veterinarian", "Why thank you for noticing madame, yes I am a veterinarian". Stuff like that, and maybe wearing a pocket watch that I would check way too often while laughing to my self and mumbling about medicines and procedures and other veterinarian musings.

While i was at the veterinarian they weighed me, I'm 17.5 pounds, and told me that I'm actually only 4 months old, not ten like I previously stated. They also gave me a couple of injections, but I'm tough so they didn't hurt.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Does eating penis make me gay?

Bull's penis anyway. The nice lady up the street gave me this thing called a 'bully stick' Basically it's about a foot long, brown, taste's like beef, is really hard, and is a bull's penis. I think it's meant for puppies who are teething, yeah that's right, we have baby teeth as well. It does work, I mean it helps with the teething pain, and it's recommended by vets and dog owners alike, but that doesn't hide the fact that it was once attached to an animal that used it for peeing and making nookie. It's a dilemma alright! Anyway I've decided not to chew it anymore until I get the the final word on the gay thing. And just for the record, I am not a homophobe, nor do I care who you pray to. Your taste in clothes bares no relevance in my day, and both hybrid and 100% gasoline powered cars are fine in my book. My view on race is only dependent on who's got the best food at the time, and I like old school thrash and punk.


Monday, April 12, 2010

day 1 of my new life

Hello world,
My name is Philip, I am a ten month old terrier and I live on a quiet street in Los Angeles. My story starts some time ago when I followed a strange lady home. She smelled like burrito's, or maybe an enchilada, either way I wanted a taste. I didn't have a home at that point and so I worked out that this woman obviously had food, and that I could use my charm to get some of it. It worked for a while, but then the man she lived with beat me for not obeying him. How awful is that? I mean I was just looking for a snack, and even though I'm a great writer, I don't really understand the spoken word so to say. Anyway, it made me real scared of human's, especially the male ones. The females are OK, the seem nice, but the dudes just suck!! So after he hit me he just left me to roam the street. I had nowhere else to go so I kept trying to stay but he just pushed me out. There are so many words that I have for this guy, but I always try to take the high road, and besides, who wants to stoop to that level right? So, luckily for me another lady, pretty good looking too, took me in and her and the guy she lives with fed me and brushed my hair and gave me some awesome toys! I mean real great stuff, like this pink rubber thing that they stuff treats into, or this other football thing that I already popped, then there was this fluffy bed, and like a weird plastic bottle with a piece of rope hanging out the top. Just great stuff, those people were cool, I might go hang out there again sometime. So after a while there, some other guy came by and took me to his place down the street. He and his wife seem real nice, they gave me some bacon, and let me tell you, I just loves me some pig. I stayed there last night and then this morning he dropped me off for a bath and a haircut. That's where I am now. I'd tell you more but my iphone is about to die, I hate this phone, I should have just got an old Nokia, but what can you do.
Anyway I gotta go, I just saw some dirty bitch walk through the door, hope they put her next to me!